Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, was a steaming turd of a movie. Both My Sweet Thomas and I agree on this. I don’t think he was as bored as I was when we were actually sitting and watching it, but we were both under whelmed as we walked out of the theater, and we both grew to dislike the movie more and more as we sat and ate happy hour chips and guacamole at OTB afterwards.
Here’s how it should have gone.
The opening reveal of Indy should have been of the Russians (SPOILERS AHEAD) throwing down a dusty work bag and have the hat roll out, we would have gotten the Indy hero with fedora silhouette shadow, but the camera should have pulled back to reveal “Professor Henry Jones Jr.” (remember that is Indy’s real name, Connery was H.J. Sr) in his bathrobe.
After the death of his father and Denholm Elliot’s character Indy has settled down to teach, his adventuring days behind him. The Russian’s kidnap him, take him from his bed to make him find the secret artifact. When the first gunfight started, the super magnetic alien artifact should have attracted the bullets or, slowed them down. All of the alien artifact magnectic-atude was very wishy washy, and was never really used for any effect after the initial search for the artifact in the warehouse.
Cut out the entire Indy surviving a nuclear explosion, that whole scene was too stupid. Old men don’t survive being flung through the air in a Fridgidaire. Okay so if you have to have the damn mushroom cloud, maybe if Indy had been in the Good Humor, lead lined, refrigerated, ice cream truck and had maybe started it with a good push down a hill, or a rigged gas pedal and then shockwave continues to push the truck first on the burning tires then the rims, safely out of the blast zone, still stupid but less ballistic force to crush fragile old man bones than in a flying Frigidaire tossed half way across the New Mexico desert. Having Indy being questioned about what happened with the Russians, and how he escaped and survived a nuclear blast all while in his pajamas would have been a hoot.
When the G-men then make trouble for Indy, calling him a red, and ruining his academic career, We might have been worried for the professor in his pajamas that had gotten all caught up in trouble. There needed to be a few quick dialog scenes when Indy says something learned or witty or frank, and is asked. “what are you a commie?” If you are going have the red scare as a plot point a few extras as protestors and one thinly veiled attack (deserving for sure) on todays’ government didn’t cut it.
When he was back in house reminiscing and looking at pictures of Dad and Denholm Elliot’s character, as he was packing up his clothes there should have been a picture of Marion Ravenwood hidden in drawer, (it’s called foreshadowing) showing that he still secretly, maybe even to himself, cared for her.
The only fight I would have liked to have seen more of was the Greasers v.s. the Joe College fight in the malt shop, but we only got a brief glimpse of that. That would have been a nice bit of culture clash.
Because we know that Indy had given up his adventuring and had become a dedicated professor, when he stops in the middle of the chase to answer a students question it makes a kind of sense. By the by that chase scene cold have been livened up with both Russians and G-men chasing Indy then each other. Why was it after the train scene the G-men just disappear never to been seen or heard from again.
Solve the riddle, pick the destination, and then have Pajama Professor accept his destiny, grab his fedora his whip and head out to save the day. Cue for Mutt Williams to look a little impressed.
As for Indy’s English sidekick/traitor, just cut him out completely.
Every once in a while Indy should have to be learned and explain something to Mutt, and then kick bad guy but. See you can be smart and a bad ass. The Pajama and the Fedora can live side by side.
Find the skull, blah blah blah. Captured by the Russians, reunited with Marion, find out Mutt is your kid, stupid snake joke.
Now from here on Mutt should keep stopping Marion and Indy for canoodling, Indy should do something clever smart cool and say to Mutt, “see that’s what you learn in school.” Mutt should do something clever, smart or cool, and say, “see that’s what you learn in the real world”
Cut the time the jeep chase took by half, no stupid vine swinging or monkeys, none! Have Mutt fix something on and then ride a motorcycle, why have him mention that he fixes them if that never comes up again
Since we don’t have the English sidekick/traitor, the others can mention maybe Cool Russian babe really is psychic, otherwise how can she keep finding them (if you want there can be a homing beacon somewhere in crazy old man’s clothes.
Indy should have been a little more impressed by the lost tribe still protecting the crystal skulls home. The good guys should go out of their way to not hurt them, Indy explaining to Mutt that the tribe is simply doing what it has been doing for hundreds of years, and killing them is wrong. That way when the bad guys gun them all down, it adds more pigment to their already black hats
I would have liked some more ancient puzzle solving and traps, Indy’s book learning vs. Mutt street savvy. Then the whole, gold, aliens time/space ship, blah blah blah stuff.
I think the whole alien thing was such a let down. Maybe just as Indy was maybe beginning to believe in alien woowoo there should have been some sort of clever but earthbound reason for all of it. So the Cool Russian Chick is not only have bested by Indy but also has all her theories proven wrong. Perhaps going back to Russia is not the best idea, the villainess escapes vowing revenge blah blah blah.
Cue wedding
Sorry just had to get hat off my chest.
Next I will rewrite the Star Wars prequels….. or maybe I will just eat a
Twix Java instead
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